The demon they call depression

You crept up on me like a coyote going after it’s prey…

You have completely sucked my life away…

You keep egging these fights on and I’ve already given up…

You win, is that not enough?

I’m done trying, There’s nothing left in me…

I get it, I’ll never again be free.

My mind is dark, my body is numb…

I’ve told you over and over again, I’m done.

Go ahead and take my last piece,

I’ve already fallen, I’m down on my knees.

Fair and square you won the fight…

Now you consume me day and night…

You are the demon they call depression…

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You Again 

I saw someone on tv today and goodness, she looked just like you. It brought back all the memories and I couldn’t help but just wonder about you. 

I’ve moved on. I’ve went back to my life but I’ll never forget about you. I want to talk to you so badly. I want to know how you are. But I can’t. You ruined it all. 

I thought you loved me but you didn’t. You used me and when you got what you needed you threw me away. I doubt you felt any remorse. I gave you everything and all you gave me was an unbearable heartache.

Im crazy because I still think about you. I still go back and replay all the memories we shared. As much as I loved you, I’d never want you back. As much as I try to erase you from my memory, I can’t. I hope with time that you fade from my mind because each thought hurts me. 

I loved you with everything I had. I gave up the life I had known for you. I ruined relationships and put my whole life on hold for you. Only to realize that it was all fake so you could get what you wanted and needed. It’s been over a year since I’ve heard from you. I changed my number, I moved states and part of me wishes you’d find me on social media or my number or whatever and contact me. And another part of me says that if you do I’d ignore it. I mean after all that’s pretty much what you did. You humiliated me. You destroyed me and I was blinded by it all. All I ever wanted was you. And I’m left with everything but that. But that’s ok because I’m going places that you never will. I’m succeeding in life. I thought I needed you but now I know that all you did was hold me back from the plans that God had in store for me. They say some people come in your life to teach you a lesson and others are there to stay and when I think of you, that saying couldn’t be more true. You taught me that people are shitty. You taught me that people will pretend to love you to get what they want. You taught me to not open up to anyone anymore. So thank you for that. Thank you for ruining my outlook on people. I don’t trust a damn soul anymore. Because of you. I hope you are happy. You got what you wanted. 

I still catch myself missing you. And then I snap back into reality and realize how stupid I am. I don’t want you. I don’t need you. I don’t love you. I wish you the best and maybe one day you will change. I hope so for the sake of the people around you. But never again will you be apart of my life. I gave you everything I had and I no longer have anything to give. 

It’s taken me this long to accept what happened. And with each day forward I hope that you become nothing to me. Not even a memory. 

If Only…

If only I could go back in time and change the things I did.

Dear the family that took me in in my darkest times,

I am so sorry for all the pain and issues I caused. I was so damaged and I pushed everyone so far away and acted out in horrible ways. I ruined all the good that I had going.  I lost so many people that wanted nothing more than to see me happy and succeed in everything I set my mind to.

I will never forgive for myself for the things I did and caused. It haunts me every single day and with no one to talk to I resort spilling my feelings into my blog secretly hoping one day I will have the guts to ask you to read it. Ive wrote many letters and ended up trashing them because I feared what yalls reaction would be. Even now. I miss the days where I was your daughter. I miss always having someone to talk to no matter how bad the topic was. I miss having someone push me to be the best person that I could be and cheering me on in all of the madness that I endured over those few years. I miss having people who never gave up on me and loved me even when I didnt deserve an ounce of love. I would give anything to go back and redo it all.

They say we learn from the past but that lesson was nowhere near how I wanted to learn it. I lost my family. I lost everything. I was nothing but the dirt under peoples feet. All i wanted was love and when i got it i didnt know how to react. We had good times but yet at the end of the day i wanted to act out and protect myself like i was used to. Or maybe that was just my excuse. I honestly dont know what was wrong with me because i am nowhere near the same person i was then. I dont know if it was the counseling or medicine or age. When i look back and remember it all it sickens me. That isnt who i am. I never wanted to hurt yall. I sure as hell never wanted to lose my family but thats exactly what i did.

Ill be honest over the last few years ive spent so many nights crying wishing i could make it be like it was before but of course that is humanly impossible. Ive prayed and prayed but so far they havent been answered. Ive changed so much and what kills me the most is that because of me yall werent able to watch me accomplish all these things in my life like graduating high school, getting married, having a child. All yall knew is what went around. All because I couldnt accept my actions and allow someone to help me.

I will never forgive myself. Never.

Maybe one day itll be somewhat like it was but even if not i will always cherish the lessons yall taught me and the neverending love yall gave me. They will aways be close to my heart and i will continue to be the best person and mother that i can possibly be.

I wouldnt be the woman i am today without yalls help in my life just so you know. Thank yall for everything you ever did for me but most importantly never giving up on me.

Sincerely, Minda

A Letter from the Anxiety Ridden Mom

If you do not suffer from anxiety or similar mental illnesses than you have no idea what I will be talking about and you are probably one of the people that this letter is aimed towards.

My life is difficult to begin with but adding severe anxiety to the mix makes it an every day battle. See, a typical person wakes up in the morning, they probably hit snooze a time or two, then climbs out of bed and goes after their coffee. After coffee they will shower and get ready to head to work. They will get the kids off to school and go on their way. Happy days right. Then in the evening they will eventually greet their spouse and spend time together. Am i being too stereotypical? My bad.

My day begins with having to seriously force myself out of bed. Followed by worrying about how my day is going to go. Is it going to rain while I’m out? Is my car going to break down? How am I going to pay at Walmart? What if my husband has to work late? Plus a million more random and irrelevant what ifs. Then I attempt to carry on like a normal human being and 90% of the time I fail horribly. So heres my letter to yall.

Dear people who think they know everything,

Stop saying I am lazy. I am the farthest thing from it. I seriously have to drag myself out of bed every morning. Not because I am lazy but because my body and my mind refuse to cooperate with one with another. It is a war every single day. Yes, I am a night owl but not willingly. My mind hates me and like to go 100mph every second of the day but moreso when it is time to go to sleep. So instead I lay there and contemplate everything I did today and if I messed up or made someone mad.  So as if having severe anxiety wasn’t bad enough we had to go and add a few other things that stem from it.

I’m sorry to everyone I talk to and annoy by always asking if I made you mad or if I said something wrong. It makes me look guilty but I promise with everything in me that I haven’t done anything. See, I suffer from Paranoid Personality Disorder(PPD) It means that I am constantly paranoid and tend to think that people hate me and/or are out to get me. Sounds crazy right? You’re telling me. I will apologize publicly to my mother in law who gets these texts more than anyone. I cannot even make friends because I am so scared of annoying them with this stupid paranoia.

I am not anti social on purpose. Believe me, I absolutely hate being friendless and sitting in my house all the time BUT I cannot help it!! Added to the list of illnesses that stem from my severe anxiety is anthropophobia which is the fear of people. Yes, its a real thing. If you have ever been to the store with me then you will know that I will NEVER go to an actual checkout line if there is a self checkout. I will alot of times avoid stores that do not have them. I will make myself sick sometimes worrying what I will say to the cashier and how I will pay them. I’ll even freak out about how I will put the bags in my buggy. Not to mention I will have an anxiety attack if I have to walk in front of multiple people. People scare me. I dont know if it comes from me being bullied and mocked so much or what but it is so miserable.

I dont not want a job. I love working and the sense of accomplishment that comes with it but again my anxiety plays a part in it. I’ll get so excited and then I will freak myself out and go back on it. Alot of yall have been d-bags and made comments on this. Just so you know that your words and jokes are very far from funny. Please walk one day in my shoes with my mind and let me know how easy it is for you because I can promise you that it is not. When you make some stupid comment or joke about this particular subject know that it takes every ounce in me to hold back tears. There is no worse feeling than feeling as if you are failing at helping provide for your family. I beat myself up enough for this whole town on this. Feeling as if I am a burden and disappointment kills me. I really do not need your input to make me feel worse. Try waking up every day and looking at your son and exhausted husband knowing that your husband is so tired because he has to work all this overtime because you arent helping him much with bills. I do help some but that is none of your business.

Lastly, I do not want my son to turn out like me and I try my hardest to prevent that but its hard when I dont know how to be normal in society. You saying that you hope my son doesnt turn out like me is a big punch to my gut. I do not wish these issues on even my worst enemy let alone my own child.

My brain is wired backwards. Others who suffer from things like this will understand my pain and how it is to hear this crap constantly. And to everyone who makes these comments above I just want you to realize the pain you cause us. We have enough issues and you adding to it makes us feel that much worse. The jokes you make arent funny and the comments are very unnecessary. You will never understand it until you go through it yourself and I pray that you never have to.

Sincerely,

The Anxiety Ridden Momma

Paranoid Persoality Disorder

Sometimes I feel like a big order at McDonalds. Just when you think you are done ordering, you gotta go and add some more stuff. 

That’s the way my life is with my mental illnesses. Unfortunately I suffer from multiple ones. 

I already had a pretty long list going. 

  • Manic Depression
  • Severe Anxiety
  • Anthropophobia 
  • OCD
  • PTSD
  • Bipolar Disorder

And just when I thought the list was done, BAM! There is another one added which is the title to this blog. Now added to my list is Paranoid Personality Disorder. 

Paranoid personality disorder is a mental disorder characterized by paranoia and a long standing suspiciousness and mistrust of others. 

People who know me on a personal level will find answers in this. If I do not get a response I will constantly ask if they are mad or apologize for upsetting them even if I haven’t done anything wrong. If I hear a rumor I will automatically become eerie of trusting who supposedly did or said whatever. I always feel like everyone is out to get me. This may sound like just whatever to some but this game that my mind plays with me is a very difficult thing. 

Each day I wake up and I have to force myself out of bed. I’m sad and want to sleep but I’m also super anxious and can’t keep still. On top of that I’m terrified of people and can’t even hardly function because of it and I’m so freaking paranoid. My day to day life is a struggle. Actually a struggle is an understatement. 

I’m a walking ball of issues. Sometimes I just want to throw the towel in and be done. My mind is nothing but a constant war. An evil, nasty, war that I lose every single fucking day. 

When does it end? When does it “get better?” 

Until next time. 

Loving broken people 

I love broken people. I am attracted to those who are broken. Broken meaning the ones who have some scratches and jagged edges. The ones whose shine isn’t as bright as it should be. Those who are a little crooked. The ones with the deep thoughts. 

Man, I love deep thinkers. 

I’m broken and maybe that’s why I’m attracted to others who are. I don’t care about your looks, I care about what’s deep inside your soul. 

I want to know your darkest secrets, your wildest fantasies, your dreams, and what holds hatred in your heart. I want to hear about the things that run a million miles an hour through your mind at night when you can’t sleep. I want to know what makes you pull yourself out of bed each morning.

Looks are irrelevant. They say nothing about the person you are minus how much money and time you spent on yourself. That shows me nothing. It’s not your hair or your name brand clothes that turn me on. It’s the things you hold deep inside because no one really wants to hear it. Their loss though because I do. I want to hear those thoughts. As random or deep as they may be. 

Why do you hate the sun and love the rain? Who or what caused the blades to penetrate your skin? What shattered your beautiful soul? That is what I want to hear. 

When I say I want to hear your wildest fantasies I don’t mean sexually. I mean what is the wildest things you’ve wanted to do but never have had the balls to! Skydive? Swim with sharks? Fly a helicopter? Or hell, open a coffee shop? 

Where did you want to be in life before you were broken? What were your goals and dreams? 

Broken people are God’s most beautiful creatures. They were meant to be destroyed but yet took the pain and kept on going. WE ARE FUCKING BEAUTIFUL! 

Our souls are deep. Our skin is tough. Our hearts are lined with barbwire and our minds are never ending. 

Our voices are as calm as the trees on a beautiful fall day. Our thoughts are as intense as the overtime in the Super Bowl. Our ideas are as organized as the Presidents office. And our hearts are as big as the Texas sky. 

I fucking love broken people. I love myself and I don’t give a shit if you do or not. You will never find a love truer than that of someone who has been beat down but still chooses to keep moving along. 

Thoughts from my Overly tired mind. 

Hello readers. It’s been awhile. 

I’m still kicking obviously. It’s been almost 2 months since I’ve come to share my thoughts with y’all and I apologize. I’ve been dealing with some issues lately and haven’t been much on anything.

  • So first off I finished 13 Reasons Why in like 2 days. The message it sent was amazing. I could relate to so much and it helped me as well as taught me other things. 
  • Secondly, I learned that no one really gives a shit about what goes on in your mind. They just pretend to and then will turn around and pretty much say fuck you. Lovely feeling,right? Not…
  • Thirdly, I’m so fucking tired of people telling me that I’m choosing to be depressed. Hey, fuck you🖕 If I could make this disappear I would. Believe me. I DONT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS! So if you have some magic fairy dust that makes me better please share. 
  • Fourthly, my number things are probably getting annoying lol get over it😜 
  • Don’t trust anyone except for your dog or cat. And still be cautious with them. It goes back to my second thing above. They listen to pretend to care and then they’ll use it against you later. I’m so DONE with everyone. I’m tired of people pretending to care about me and then not actually caring. Oh and lying. Fuck liars. 
  • I cuss. Get the fuck over it. I’m not damned to hell for saying some “potty words.” If I offend you with my words then please go to the nearest shower and wash the sand out of your vagina.😂

Hmm. This blog may seem a little unlike my usual and you are correct. This is the bitch I’ve become from the people in this world. The ones I thought actually cared. The ones who used me. The ones who lied to me. The people who said they’d always be there and now are nowhere to be found. Yes, they created this “don’t give a shit” bitch. People will destroy you mentally. Because no matter what anyone says at the end of the day not a single soul actually gives a flying fuck about you. And that is the straight up #truth 
Oh, and in case you are wondering, I am ok. Like for real. I’ve never been more content to get something off my chest and move on with my life after eliminating the reasons for my failure and sadness. It’s not like they’ll miss me anyway. Their loss though. So I’m back! And I look forward to writing more for yall! Check back for my first attempt at a poetry slam type poem! 

Until next time✌️