If you do not suffer from anxiety or similar mental illnesses than you have no idea what I will be talking about and you are probably one of the people that this letter is aimed towards.
My life is difficult to begin with but adding severe anxiety to the mix makes it an every day battle. See, a typical person wakes up in the morning, they probably hit snooze a time or two, then climbs out of bed and goes after their coffee. After coffee they will shower and get ready to head to work. They will get the kids off to school and go on their way. Happy days right. Then in the evening they will eventually greet their spouse and spend time together. Am i being too stereotypical? My bad.
My day begins with having to seriously force myself out of bed. Followed by worrying about how my day is going to go. Is it going to rain while I’m out? Is my car going to break down? How am I going to pay at Walmart? What if my husband has to work late? Plus a million more random and irrelevant what ifs. Then I attempt to carry on like a normal human being and 90% of the time I fail horribly. So heres my letter to yall.
Dear people who think they know everything,
Stop saying I am lazy. I am the farthest thing from it. I seriously have to drag myself out of bed every morning. Not because I am lazy but because my body and my mind refuse to cooperate with one with another. It is a war every single day. Yes, I am a night owl but not willingly. My mind hates me and like to go 100mph every second of the day but moreso when it is time to go to sleep. So instead I lay there and contemplate everything I did today and if I messed up or made someone mad. So as if having severe anxiety wasn’t bad enough we had to go and add a few other things that stem from it.
I’m sorry to everyone I talk to and annoy by always asking if I made you mad or if I said something wrong. It makes me look guilty but I promise with everything in me that I haven’t done anything. See, I suffer from Paranoid Personality Disorder(PPD) It means that I am constantly paranoid and tend to think that people hate me and/or are out to get me. Sounds crazy right? You’re telling me. I will apologize publicly to my mother in law who gets these texts more than anyone. I cannot even make friends because I am so scared of annoying them with this stupid paranoia.
I am not anti social on purpose. Believe me, I absolutely hate being friendless and sitting in my house all the time BUT I cannot help it!! Added to the list of illnesses that stem from my severe anxiety is anthropophobia which is the fear of people. Yes, its a real thing. If you have ever been to the store with me then you will know that I will NEVER go to an actual checkout line if there is a self checkout. I will alot of times avoid stores that do not have them. I will make myself sick sometimes worrying what I will say to the cashier and how I will pay them. I’ll even freak out about how I will put the bags in my buggy. Not to mention I will have an anxiety attack if I have to walk in front of multiple people. People scare me. I dont know if it comes from me being bullied and mocked so much or what but it is so miserable.
I dont not want a job. I love working and the sense of accomplishment that comes with it but again my anxiety plays a part in it. I’ll get so excited and then I will freak myself out and go back on it. Alot of yall have been d-bags and made comments on this. Just so you know that your words and jokes are very far from funny. Please walk one day in my shoes with my mind and let me know how easy it is for you because I can promise you that it is not. When you make some stupid comment or joke about this particular subject know that it takes every ounce in me to hold back tears. There is no worse feeling than feeling as if you are failing at helping provide for your family. I beat myself up enough for this whole town on this. Feeling as if I am a burden and disappointment kills me. I really do not need your input to make me feel worse. Try waking up every day and looking at your son and exhausted husband knowing that your husband is so tired because he has to work all this overtime because you arent helping him much with bills. I do help some but that is none of your business.
Lastly, I do not want my son to turn out like me and I try my hardest to prevent that but its hard when I dont know how to be normal in society. You saying that you hope my son doesnt turn out like me is a big punch to my gut. I do not wish these issues on even my worst enemy let alone my own child.
My brain is wired backwards. Others who suffer from things like this will understand my pain and how it is to hear this crap constantly. And to everyone who makes these comments above I just want you to realize the pain you cause us. We have enough issues and you adding to it makes us feel that much worse. The jokes you make arent funny and the comments are very unnecessary. You will never understand it until you go through it yourself and I pray that you never have to.
The Anxiety Ridden Momma